Where do I rest?

This past few months has been quite a test of my heart which by the grace of God I have passed in some areas, and in others I have failed miserably. Currently I feel like I am failing miserably. I am trying to figure out where in the world my emotions should be right now. Crazy excited? Yes! Not wanting to be crushed if we don't pass court on Friday? A tearful yes. Where do I rest? In excitement OR in somber realization that there is a chance that we would not pass court and would have to wait 6 weeks more. I confess that I am letting myself dwell in the much more somber mood lately. Excited that our court date is so near, but protecting my heart fiercely.

I want to meet Levi. I want to see him. I want to see him as a momma sees him, not in a picture anymore or in the words of official documents. I want to squeeze him and tell him I love him and smell his little boy skin and tickle his toes...all the things the Lord has designed little boys and their mamas to love. Oh, Lord please let us pass court this week that we could bring him home soon.

And so I remember through tears that the Lord sets the lonely in families, that He is and has always been the best Father to Levi. He is ministering to Levi right now, even as I write, in a way that I will always be unable to do. The Lord loves Levi more and better than I can. All things are bearable when we are confident they have been lovingly designed to fulfill a purpose in us. This wait is not meaningless. The Lord continues to knit Levi into our hearts, deeper and deeper as time goes on. Each stitch a little bit more painful, yet we know that when we see Levi, he will not be a stranger to us. This wait is good and right as it has been ordained by the Lord, however long it becomes. When we see Levi we will KNOW that he is our son, and I chuckle as I think about having him home that the only difference will be that when we talk about Levi he will be able to hear us!

I have had the opportunity to talk about Levi and the adoption much these days. When I talk to someone new about our adoption, almost everyone remarks with disgust that adoption is such a long and difficult process and costs too much. I used to have that same opinion, however, it is different now that I am in the midst. It is unfortunate that it must be so, but oh, it so protects these children. The many checks to ensure that the children, who are at the mercy of adults around them, go to safe and secure homes, and the long wait that grows them a place in our hearts are good. Let us not forget that if it were not for the sin of man, adoption would not be necessary. If it were not for our desperately wicked hearts, numerous checks into our character would not be needed. If the church would simply commit to caring for the orphan, financial requirements would be easily met.

I'll get off my soapbox for just a while.